Let me get the boring, legally necessary stuff out of the way: The content here is for your intellectual amusement and general information only. It is not medical advice, a diagnosis, or a treatment plan. Your eyes are unique little biological cameras, and what works for your neighbor’s myopia might leave yours in a state of permanent confusion.

Please, for the love of Snellen charts, consult a qualified eye care professional before trying to self-diagnose based on a blog post. If you suddenly lose sight, experience pain that makes you want to scream, or manage to injure your eye in a way that defies physics, stop reading this and seek immediate medical attention. We’d all prefer you keep your eyeballs intact, thank you very much.